


Group Chat for Bats

by sithvrism



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Alfred Pennyworth is So Done, Attempt at Humor, Because author has realised she’s not good at developing romantic relationships, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Group chat, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, More focus on the platonic than the romantic, Swearing, Texting, Timeline What Timeline, but it reflects my own gc experiences, come on guys it’s Jason, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-01-08 03:49:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 9,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21229304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sithvrism/pseuds/sithvrism
Summary: Dick creates a group chat.It’s a mistake.HIATUS





	1. Dick creates a group chat

**Author's Note:**

> So this entire fic is just my poor attempt at humour and a need for more DC group chat fics.  
Hope you enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And no one is particularly impressed.

[**dickie** created **Batfam<3**]

[**dickie** added **Alfred**, **Bruce**, **Selina**, **Kate**, **Barbara**, **Luke**, **Cassandra,** **Jason**, **Stephanie**, **Tim**, **Duke**, **Damian**]

[**dickie** changed **Alfred** to **Alfie<3**]

[**dickie** changed **Bruce **to **daddybats**]

[**dickie** changed **S****elina** to **misskitty**]

[**dickie** changed **Kate** to **candykane**]

[**dickie** changed **Barbara **to **kebabs**]

[**dickie** changed **Luke **to **foxyloxy**]

[**dickie** changed **Cassandra **to **hbic**]

[**dickie** changed **Jason **to **littlewing**]

[**dickie** changed **Stephanie **to **memequeen**]

[**dickie** changed **Duke** to **duchess]**

[**dickie** changed **Tim **to **minibruce**]

[**dickie** changed **Damian **to **babybat**]

[_Tuesday, 11:48 pm_]

**dickie**: hey guys I created a gc to make it easier to communicate

**memequeen**: careful Dick you’ll scare them off if you use words like *whisper* communicate

**memequeen**: also my user mwahh

**dickie**: shit you right

**dickie**: thought you’d like it

**babybat**: No.

**dickie**: aw but Dami

**babybat**: I dislike being called “babybat”.

**dickie**: but it’s so cute uwu

**babybat**: tt.  


**dickie**: :((((

**daddybats**: What is this? Why am I called ‘daddybats’ Dick?

**dickie**: because you are the daddy of the bats

**kebabs**: 1) gross 2) kebabs...seriously??? That’s just bad

**dickie**: why are you all so mean about the names? :(((

[**littlewing** changed their name to **deadbatwalking**]

**deadbatwalking**: that’s better

**memequeen**: AISNJSMWMAOMS

**kebabs**: JASONSJSKS

**deadbatwalking**: *shrug*

**minibruce**: I hatu all

**memequeen**: awwww we lovu too

**minibruce**: I havenr slepy

[**minibruce** changed **babybat** to **demonspaqn**]

[**minibruce** changed **demonspaqn** to **demonspawn**]

**minibruce**: heh

**dickie**: *sigh*

[**deadbatwalking **changed **minibruce **to **replacement**]

**replacement**:*sigh* honestly I’m surprised he lasted this long

**deadbatwalking**: :))))

**hbic**: I like my name

**memequeen**: ASKASNSJG THAT’S MY BABY

**daddybats**: What does hbic mean?

**deadbatwalking**: head bitch in charge

**daddybats**: Hmm, it fits

**candykane**: wow

**memequeen**: KATE QUEEN OF THE LESBIANS HAS GRACED US WITH HER PRESENCE

**hbic**: yay

**demonspawn**: Drake you are utterly insufferable.

**replacement**: heh I know

**duchess**: sometimes I wish I wasn’t part of this family

**foxyloxy**: same, you’re all so weird

**foxyloxy**: uh except you Barbara

**duchess**: yeah pls don’t kill us

**kebabs**: -_-

**deadbatwalking**: yikes better fly boys

**kebabs**: ¬_¬

**deadbatwalking**: uhh...

**dickie**: babs you’re scaring everyone

**kebabs**:  ≖ _ ≖

[**deadbatwalking** changed **kebabs** to **evilqueen**]

**evilqueen**: accurate

**memequeen**: sjsjssjans Babs what the fuck??

**alfie<3**: Language, Miss Stephanie.

**deadbatwalking**: SKSKSKSNSNSOMSJ

**candykane**: wow

**dickie**: ALFIE

**memequeen**: uhh whoops sorry Alfred

**replacement**: heh

**demonspawn**: shut up Drake.

**hbic**: rude

**duchess**: our lord and saviour has spoken

**foxyloxy**: someone tell me how to leave this chat 

**evilqueen**: sorry Luke but you can’t Dick made me disable that function

**dickie**: LUKKKKEEEEE :((((((

**dickie**: you don’t really wanna leave us

**foxyloxy**: *sigh*

**daddybats**: Alright enough talking, everyone get suited up and get to work.

**memequeen**: jinkies

**replacement**: jeepers

**dickie**: zoinks

**deadbatwalking**: ruh-roh

**demonspawn**: None of you make any sense.

**evilqueen**: you’ve never watched scooby-doo?

**demonspawn**: No.

**evilqueen**: damn...scooby-doo marathon next day off

**dickie**: yesss

**replacement**: I’m down

**memequeen**: Cass and I will be there

**hbic**: yes

**deadbatwalking**: hell yeah

**daddybats**: Patrol. Now.

**dickie**: see, easy commic*tion

**daddybats**: Dick.

**dickie**: I’m gone

[_Wednesday, 3 am_]

**misskitty**: oh my, this is going to be interesting.


	2. In which Alfred could take over the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Jason is not protective of Dick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I’m struggling with writing Cass because she can’t read and write very well in canon so let’s say that Steph and Babs have been teaching her to read and write, however, Babs introduced her to emoticons and she’s never turned back.  
They’re probably all very OOC but that’s the fun of fiction XD.  
Possible TW: Babs and Jason’s fatalistic humour (Jason joking about his death/Babs joking about jumping off a cliff), it’s brief and means no harm but I thought I’d add the warning anyway.

_ [Wednesday, 9 am]  _

**memequeen**: ooohhh Selina was here this morning

**evilqueen**: bet Selina’s the type to ghost 

**memequeen**: skskksns she so is, although I bet she’s also the one who’s gonna expose us all at really inopportune moments and ruin our lives

**evilqueen**: damn Steph, paranoid much?

**memequeen**: consequence of being anywhere near daddybats for any length of time

**evilqueen**: please don’t call him that  ಠ _ ಠ

**memequeen**: sorry(notsorry)

**duchess**: WHY ARE YOU AWAKE????

**evilqueen**: you’re awake

**duchess**: yeah cause you two are blowing up my phone

**memequeen**: turn it on silent or idk turn it off??

**duchess**: no way, I’m not making that mistake again, I swear B was ignoring me extra hard last time I did that and he couldn’t get through to me

**evilqueen**: m’kay that’s fair

**foxyloxy**: why is this chat even still in use?

**memequeen**: Luke...Dick made this yesterday

**foxyloxy**: yeah??

**hbic**: I like this chat, I think it will be nice 

**foxyloxy**: ...I feel like this is some form of emotional blackmail and I don’t like it 

**hbic**: :)

**memequeen**: hah my gf is so powerful

**hbic**: <3

**replacement**: please don’t be sappy on the group chat 

**memequeen**: you’re just jealous because your bf isn’t here for you to slobber all over

**replacement**: how exactly would I slobber on him through a screen?

**memequeen**: don’t be pedantic

**replacement**: wow I can’t believe you actually used that word in the right context

**demonspawn**: and I find it hard to comprehend that you actually understood what she was saying Drake.

**replacement**: why do you always show up just to insult me???

**deadbatwalking**: because he’s a demon child 

**demonspawn**: shut up Todd, why are you even in this chat?

**deadbatwalking**: because no matter how much I try to convince you all I’m not, you all think I’m part of this family

**Alfie<3**: You are a member of this family, Master Jason and you would do well to just accept it before you upset someone again.

**memequeen**: AKSMZISMSM YOU JUST GOT TOLD JAY

**evilqueen**: this is why Alfie is the best of us all

**replacement**: this chat is worth it just for moments like that

**deadbatwalking**: Damn Alfie, let me live, I’ve already died once

**duchess**: really Jason?

**replacement**: dude....

**hbic**: :(

**memequeen**: don’t make a dead joke to Alfie or you’ll have a riot on your hands!  ヽ ( ｀ Д´) ﾉ

**evilqueen**: either that or Alfie will just drop the giant penny on you

**Alfie<3**: Mistress Barbara, I would never.

**Alfie<3**: However, Master Jason, I do expect to see you at dinner tonight or I will tell Master Bruce what you told me the last time you were on pain medication.

**deadbatwalking**: .......

**deadbatwalking**: I’ll be there

**Alfie<3**: Wonderful, I look forward to seeing you.

**replacement**: Alfie could take over the world so easily js

**memequeen**: yeah all he’d have to do is offer us cakes coated with like poison and we’d all be dead

**duchess**: wouldn’t be a bad way to go though

**evilqueen**: legit, Alfie’s cakes are to die for

**evilqueen**: heh get it

**foxyloxy**: that was awful

**hbic**: you sound like Dick

**evilqueen**: omg brb gonna throw myself off a cliff

**deadbatwalking**: oh so you can make dead jokes but I can’t??

**demonspawn**: it makes Grayson sad, so no, you can’t.

**replacement**: I can’t believe I’m about to agree with the brat but yeah that’s basically it 

**deadbatwalking**: you guys are way too protective of him

**candykane**: says you

**memequeen**: the lesbian queen has appeared to take names and spill tea

**deadbatwalking**: damn Kate, do you mind?

**candykane**: not even a little bit

**deadbatwalking**: I’m not protective of Dick

**evilqueen**: yes you are

**replacement**: yes you are

**duchess**: yes you are

**daddybats**: yes you are

**memequeen**: DADDYBATS HAS SPOKEN, the rest of you (except Cass) go home

**hbic**: (´▽`)

**dickie**: whadndndmzkm

**replacement**: you alright there Dick?

**evilqueen**: Dick isn’t a morning person 

**dickie**: guys go back to bed you weirdos

**foxyloxy**: aren’t you meant to be working today?

**dickie**: .....

**dickie**: SHIT

**dickie**: wait

**dickie**: my shift doesn’t start for another 4 hrs

**dickie**: don’t scare me like that Luke

**dickie**: I’m going back to bed

**memequeen**: well...that was a bit of a rollercoaster

**hbic**:  ◔ _ ◔

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, if you guys hasn’t picked up on it:  
StephCass is established.  
JayDick is slow burn (kind of).  
Brulina is established but they’re keeping it a secret (it’s not really a secret, they all know (except Damian) but they’re being nice).  
TimKon is implied but Kon won’t be in the chat.  
I might add other ships as I add chapters, let me know if you’d like to see any and I might add it.


	3. Jason and Steph break Kate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Tim should really sleep more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there’s not much Bruce or Selina in this yet but bear with, I’m going to try and bring them into it more soon.  
This chapter is pretty short, I didn’t realise until I’d posted, sorry.

_ [Saturday, 12:34 am] _

**replacement**: ugh that Gala was the worst

**dickie**: I’m never smiling again

**demonspawn**: If anyone ever attempts to pinch my cheeks again, I will eviscerate them.

**deadbatwalking**: I should have stayed dead

**deadbatwalking**: why did anyone think it was a good idea to bring me back into the public eye?

**hbic**:  ＼ (´ Ｏ｀ ) ／

**memequeen**: awww you poor whittle socialites

**evilqueen**: don’t Steph or they’ll make you go with them next time

**duchess**: honestly I’m so glad I don’t have to go, I’d probably make a complete idiot of myself

**memequeen**: it’s alright Duke, Tim once went to a Ball on 5 minutes of sleep and tripped into a literal fucking princess and _took her down _

**memequeen**: as his date, I was scandalised

**memequeen**: and by scandalised I mean I was pissing myself laughing

**dickie**: I remember that! Tim was so dazed and just staring at this princess who was screaming at him and Bruce looked like he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry so he just drowned himself in alcohol instead

**replacement**: it was the damage control that nearly broke me, I’ve never had to apologise to so many people in all my life

**deadbatwalking**: I can’t believe I missed that

**deadbatwalking**: shit like that would make telling people I’d only faked my death to escape my tragic past and having to go to these things again worth it

**hbic**:  ⊙ ︿ ⊙

**duchess**: well okay now I feel less bad about pretty much every embarrassing thing I’ve ever done

**demonspawn**: Thankfully, I was not there to witness Drake shame our family.

**memequeen**: you can’t see me but I’m rolling my eyes so hard rn

**hbic**: it’s true

**demonspawn**: tt.

**replacement**: the fact that you actually type that

**dickie**: please stop fighting in the group chat guys

**deadbatwalking**: no, please continue, the more drama the better

**foxyloxy**: Jason Todd, you are a hazard to society

**deadbatwalking**: and proud of it 

**replacement**: now _I’m_ rolling my eyes

**dickie**: Luke, you’re a famous boxer, what are your after parties like??

**evilqueen**: smooth

**foxyloxy**: everyone tries to out drink each other and so everyone ends up completely off their heads

**foxyloxy**: we’re competitive inside and outside the ring

  
**memequeen**: I always knew you were wild Luke 

**evilqueen**: honestly that seems like the type of place that Steph would thrive

**deadbatwalking**: hell yeah she would, she’d kick ass

**memequeen**: aww Jay, that means so much to me

**deadbatwalking**: got your back blondie

**evilqueen**: Luke I think you just created a monster

**foxyloxy**: don’t blame me for this, you started it 

**dickie**: Jay and Steph would literally be the most crackhead duo

**memequeen**: crackhead rights!!!

**candykane**: I support this duo wholeheartedly, please go out and ruin Bruce’s life

**replacement**: and this is why Kate is a Queen among queens

**candykane**: seriously, I think Bruce has nightmares about Jason and Stephanie teaming up

**candykane**: imagine his fuckimf facw

**candykane**: I’m lauhifn to hatg tootyoe

**memequeen**: shit Jay, we’re too powerful 

**deadbatwalking**: we literally broke Kate

**evilqueen**: as much as I would love to watch Bruce’s aneurism face as he tried to process the JaySteph duo, I’m thinking maybe put it on the back burner for a moment, I’ve got movement from Two-Face and Bruce wants everyone in Gotham out on patrol now

**deadbatwalking**: *big sigh* no rest for the weary

_ [Saturday, 4:27 am] _

**daddybats**: I’m officially banning Jason and Stephanie from working together.

_ [Saturday, 5:52 am] _

**misskitty**: Sourpuss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jason and Steph are my chaotic emotional support duo.  
Also the whole thing about Jason, idk what happened, I didn’t think it through, I just wanted Jay at Galas. But basically, Bruce just tells everyone that Jason had to fake his death to hide from some dangerous people in his past and people don’t question it cause...it’s Gotham.  
I also have no idea what sports after parties are like, please don’t kill me if you’re a boxer, it’s just a joke.


	4. The one where Dick just wants a dog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Alfred and Bruce troll ten children and one ‘annoying’ cousin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the love on this fic, I really appreciate it you guys <3.  
Sorry I have no posting schedule, I just write and post when I get the inspiration.
> 
> Edit: I’ve sorted out the layout, I’m not sure how I missed that lmao.

_[Tuesday, 9:27 pm]_

**dickie**: I want a dog

**dickie**: Damian, Bruce, Jason and Kon all have dogs

**replacement**: technically Ace is your dog as well

**dickie**: not really, he’s definitely more Bruce’s dog, I just get pity licks

**demonspawn**: Dogs do not give ‘pity licks’ Grayson, they love with everything they have, that is what makes them such wonderful animals.

**demonspawn**: Far better than humans.

**replacement**: wow, look at you demon, actually getting passionate about something that isn’t stabbing me

**memequeen**: why are you surprised?

**memequeen**: he got Bruce to let him keep Batcow

**replacement**: you know what, fair enough

**deadbatwalking**: you can come see Dog if you want dickiebird

**dickie**: aww thanks Jay

**duchess**: Dog?

**deadbatwalking**: Red Hood

**duchess**: ah, right yep okay

**replacement**: wait did you just say Dick could go and see Dog...as in see her at one of your safe houses?

**deadbatwalking**: yeahh??

**candykane**: holy shit

**evilqueen**: that about sums it up

**dickie**: what??

**replacement**: dude, Jason would rather blow a safe house up than let us know their locations and here he is, inviting you over to pet his dog!

**foxyloxy**: the fact that that wasn’t even an innuendo, I feel cheated

**memequeen**: DMSMSDKSKJ LUKE

**deadbatwalking**: that doesn’t mean anything, I just don’t want to listen to Dickie complain about not having a dog

**demonspawn**: Sure, Todd.

**dickie**: HAHAH ANYGAY

**dickie**: I still want a dog

**candykane**: damn, way to ruin a moment Dick

**dickie**: I think I’m going to adopt one

**candykane**: don’t ignore me

**dickie**: sorry

**memequeen**: that means he’s really not

**dickie**: rude, don’t slander my good name

**foxyloxy**: this chat is a fucking mess

**evilqueen**: amen to that

**evilqueen**: also, Dick you hardly have a good name

**dickie**: ???

**deadbatwalking**: yeah, you’re mean

**dickie**: I-

**replacement**: you literally have the worst temper of all of us

**hbic**: maybe you should all leave Dick alone

**dickie**: thank you Cass

**hbic**: he just wants a dog and you’re all being mean

**memequeen**: wow babe, would you stand up for me like that?

**hbic**: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**memequeen**: ???!!

**dickie**: hey if Jay and Steph are a duo, does that mean Cass and I can be a duo??

**memequeen**: ooooo double date

**dickie**: uhhhhh

**deadbatwalking**: Jesus

**replacement**: not our fault, you guys create the opportunities, we just take advantage

**deadbatwalking**: why don’t you go and stick your tongue down Kon’s throat

**replacement**: happily

**demonspawn**: Disgusting.

**memequeen**: you’re loosing your touch Jay, keep that up and I’ll have to break up our duo

**deadbatwalking**: I hate all of you

**dickie**: I want a Labrador

**dickie**: or a husky so I could call it Dusky

**evilqueen**: I’ll report you to the authorities if you do that

**dickie**: :(((

**duchess**: Dick, I swear you always change the subject just as things start to get interesting

**replacement**: yeah, Babs can we block Dick from the chat for being boring

**dickie**: oi!

**evilqueen**: of course I can, however, I’m not going to

**memequeen**: yeah how will we get our JayDick interactions without Dick???

**duchess**: oh shit, you right

**Alfie<3**: Perhaps instead, miss Barbara could remove me.

**evilqueen**: no way Alfie, you’re stuck with us

**Alfie<3**: Yes, that appears to be the case doesn’t it.

**dickie**: Alfie, you love us really uwu

**Alfie<3**: Smh.

**deadbatwalking**: holy shit

**memequeen**: IM SCRAMJDF ALDFOEOMFG

**dickie**: did...did Alfie just smh me???

**replacement**: wow I can’t believe I got to witness this monumental moment in Batfam history

**evilqueen**: istg I’m going to frame this and put it pride of place in the cave

**daddybats**: -_-

**memequeen**: what

**replacement**: WHAT IS HAPPENING????

**duchess**: am I dead??

**candykane**: why is Alfred using internet acronyms and why is Bruce using emoticons???

**dickie**: I need to lie down

**duchess**: I feel dead

——————————

**Master Bruce** to **Alfred**

**Master Bruce**: Much appreciated, Alfred.

**Alfred**: I am always happy to help, Master Bruce. Safe journeys.

——————————

**Selina** to **Bruce <3**

**Selina**: Child.

**Bruce <3**: Serves them right.

**Selina**: I’m not sure scaring them to death is going to solve much dear.

**Bruce <3**: I’ll have gotten rid of 10 children and an annoying cousin. I think it solves a lot.

**Selina**: You are awful.

**Bruce <3**: I’m aware.

————————————

_[Tuesday, 10:43 pm]_

**dickie**: I still want a dog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is very dog-centric because I’ve been taking care of my friends dogs and it’s making me miss my own dog, back at home, Bella so the dog feels hit me.
> 
> I’ve also finally added private messaging, let’s see where this takes us. 
> 
> Also the exchange between Jason and Duke about the name ‘Dog’ is directly linked to the comic where Jason says to Dog ‘deal with it girl, I’m not good at names, hence “Red Hood”’.


	5. In which a bored Steph, is a dangerous Steph

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Bruce and Selina dating is not actually a secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait guys, I haven’t really had much motivation to write the past few days. I also have absolutely no idea what this chapter is but it’s a bit of a mess.
> 
> If you don’t like any of the ships that were mentioned in this chapter, don’t worry, if I haven’t explicitly tagged them, they won’t be mentioned very often.
> 
> I can’t seem to fix the layout of this chapter, the space between the ‘username’ and the ‘:’ remains very stubborn.

_ [Sunday, 10:37 pm] _

** memequeen** : meep meep motherfluffers

** memequeen** : I’m bored

** memequeen** : so we’re gonna talk about crushes

** dickie** : no

** memequeen** : well...I am anyway

** memequeen** : I have a crush on Cass

** replacement** : she’s literally your gf

** hbic** : ♡▽♡

** memequeen** : Cass has a crush on me

** demonspawn** : You are utterly ridiculous, Brown.

** hbic** : it’s true, I do have a crush on you

** memequeen** : uwuwuwuwuwuwu

** deadbatwalking** : oh dear god

** memequeen** : tiny Timmy has a crush on Kon

** replacement** : okay 1. Never call me that again, we are literally the same height and 2. Kon is my bf you muggle

** memequeen** : 1. Rude and 2. Fuck you

** replacement** : no thanks, been there, done that

** evilqueen** : holy shit you two

** memequeen** : oh Babs!

** evilqueen** : nO

** memequeen** : idk maybe Dinah ??

** evilqueen** : no comment

** memequeen** : ...suspicious

** foxyloxy** : I thought this chat was dead

** duchess** : nope, but I think that’s what we all hoped for

** dickie** : technically I made this chat for work but...it kinda derailed

** evilqueen** : you really should have anticipated that

**dickie**: (╯°□°) ╯︵ ┻━┻

** candykane** : calm down Dick

** memequeen** : ooo Kate

** candykane** : ...what??

** memequeen** : hmm Renee?? No wait Maggie?? No Renee...wait idk, either one

** candykane** : ...and that’s my cue to leave

** duchess** : yikes

** memequeen** : Duke is obvs crushing hard on Isabella

** duchess** : wait what??

** duchess** : no no no no no I’m not

** dickie** : aww but you and Izzy would be super cute Dukey

** deadbatwalking**: yeah  _ super duper _ cute

** dickie** : don’t you get sarcastic with me little wing

** memequeen** : I don’t think Dickie and Jay’s crushes need to be explicitly stated because they’re so obvious, it’s gross

** dickie** : ???what

** deadbatwalking** : I’m not sure what you’re implying 

** deadbatwalking** : I don’t have a crush on anyone

** dickie** : neither do I 

** demonspawn** : I was lead to believe you had a crush on the red-haired Amazonian, Todd.

** deadbatwalking** : Artemis? Hell no, I mean don’t get me wrong, she’s beautiful and I love her but in a platonic sense

** demonspawn** : Ah.

** memequeen** : anywho moving on

** evilqueen** : Steph, no

** memequeen** : Steph, yes!

** foxyloxy** : don’t even think about it

** memequeen** : alright, off the top of my head...Zena

** foxyloxy** : we broke up!!

** memequeen** : whatever, you’re too private Lukey, we should meet up more

** foxyloxy** : no thank you

** memequeen** : so mean to me

** replacement** : I wonder why (youcantseemebutimrollingmyeyes)

** memequeen** : now I’m going to spare babybat cause he’s like 5 and Bruce probably wants him to wait until he’s 30 to date after dealing with Dick and Tim

** dickie** : oi!

** replacement** : excuse me???

** demonspawn** : Good choice, Brown. However, I must inform you that I am ten and you should treat me with respect.

** memequeen** : if I said ‘ok boomer’ to a 10 year old who talks like a 50 year old, does it count?

** deadbatwalking** : absolutely not, how dare you use the name ‘memequeen’ and ask that

** memequeen** : ok boomer

** deadbatwalking** : I’m 19!! Don’t ‘ok boomer’ me

** memequeen** : OK

** deadbatwalking** : DON’T

** memequeen** : BOOOOMER

** deadbatwalking** : our duo is officially finished

** memequeen** : yeah yeah, you’ll come crawling back

** deadbatwalking** : witch

** memequeen** : ;)))

** memequeen** : soooo, who have I missed??

** replacement ** : Alfie?

** memequeen** : I’m going to miss out Alf because honestly I have no ideas there which leaves miss kitty and daddybats ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

** evilqueen** : do not put that name and emoticon together ever again, Stephanie Brown

** memequeen** : ooo scary

** memequeen** : but like Dick and dickhead, Bruce and Selina...

** deadbatwalking** : -_-

** memequeen** : well...that’s kinda obvious

** duchess** : yeah, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t know about Selina and Bruce’s ‘crushes’

** dickie** : yeah ‘crushes’

** deadbatwalking** : surprised they aren’t married yet

** evilqueen** : they probs are, let’s be real

** daddybats** : What?

** replacement** : ???

** daddybats** : Are you saying you all know?

** memequeen** : that you and Selina are dating?

** Alfie<3** : Master Bruce, I believe that particular, excuse the phrase, cat is out of the bag and has been for some time.

** demonspawn** : I did not know this. Father, why did not know this?

** daddybats** : It was meant to be a secret, we didn’t want to tell any of you yet. I should have known that you’d figure it out.

** demonspawn** : I’m coming to find you.

** deadbatwalking** : OH SHIT LOLOLOLOLOL

** dickie** : Dami...we honestly thought you knew

** hbic** : awkward 

** foxyloxy** : if anyone else is at the manor, please film the impending explosion

** evilqueen** : we don’t need to be there, don’t worry Luke, I got your back

** deadbatwalking** : send it my way as well

** evilqueen** : I’ll send it to all of you

** duchess** : yessss

** dickie** : oh sweet baby Jesus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always seem to focus on Stephanie, I can’t help it, I really enjoy writing her but I’ll try to branch out a bit in future chapters.
> 
> If there are any topics you would like to see discussed between the Batfam, drop a comment and I’ll try and add it in.


	6. The one where Jason is not a girlfriend thief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the bats realise that there’s another way to bring him back into the fold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back! For how long, I don’t know so I’m not going to promise any regular updates but with a couple more weeks of lockdown to go, I might surprise myself. This is also why I’ve left this as completed.
> 
> Hope you’ve all been staying safe and well! I was going to write a chapter and incorporate the quarantine but I’m tired enough of it without writing about it so you got this mess instead.
> 
> Honestly, this is so chaotic but I’m just going to embrace it because all my group chats are this messy as well.

_ [Monday, 5:36pm] _

**memequeen**: Dickkk tell Jason to stop stealing my gf

**deadbatwalking**: aww don’t be jealous dork

**deadbatwalking**: also don’t tattle to goldie

**hbic**: not stealing 

**hbic**: just bonding

**deadbatwalking**: true dat

**dickie**: why tell me?? Jay doesn’t listen to me

**replacement**: oh dick, you poor blind fool

**evilqueen**: he listens to you more than any of us

**evilqueen**: except maybe Alfred

**evilqueen**: or Cass....

**evilqueen**: BUT STILL 

**memequeen**: Jesus O that was not exactly selling our case

**duchess**: huh I completely forgot this chat existed 

**replacement**: honestly same

**replacement**: kinda missed it

**demonspawn**: That makes no sense Drake, how can you miss what you don’t remember?

**replacement**: fuck off demon

**dickie**: Tim!!

**deadbatwalking**: you tell him replacement

**demonspawn**: I will eviscerate both of you.

**daddybats**: No eviscerating.

**candykane**: oh come on cuz, what’s life without a little evisceration between family huh?

**deadbatwalking**: I’m not family

**candykane**: you keep telling yourself that twerp

**memequeen**: oh oh oh

**memequeen**: if you insist that you’re not family, we could just marry you back in

**duchess**: Steph you are a genius

**memequeen**: ty ty I do try

**demonspawn**: Who the hell would marry Todd?

**deadbatwalking**: ouch devil child, even zombies have feelings ya know

**foxyloxy**: well I’m not marrying him 

**deadbatwalking**: oh cheers Luke

**foxyloxy**: you’re welcome 

**evilqueen**: Steph, Cass, Tim, Bruce and myself are dating other people so we’re out

**dickie**: wait what?

**evilqueen**: Damian and Alfred are out for obvious reasons

**hbic**: Kate also

**candykane**: if by that you mean it’s because I’m too old I’ll be pissed

**foxyloxy**: Kate you’re gay

**candykane**: touché 

**dickie**: babs? You’re dating someone?

**evilqueen**: you’re meant to be a detective spandex, figure it out

**dickie**: rude

**duchess**: I wouldn’t marry Jason

**duchess**: bringing us back to that topic

**deadbatwalking**: I’d rather you didn’t

**duchess**: don’t take it personally, I wouldn’t marry any of you

**duchess**: you’re all insane 

**hbic**: so sweet

**duchess**: oh wait, sorry Cass, I didn’t mean you 

**hbic**: \\(^-^)/

**replacement**: so basically that leaves Dick and only Dick

**evilqueen**: I call being Dick’s best man or head bridesmaid or whatever

**memequeen**: ooo then I call being Jay’s cause even though he keeps stealing my gf we’re still the jaysteph duo

**demonspawn**: What on Earth makes any of you think I’ll allow Grayson to marry Todd?

**replacement**: the fact that you’re like 6 and don’t have a say???

**candykane**: okayyy before this descends into chaos, I call being in charge of any and all alcohol

**memequeen**: ...

**hbic**: ...

**foxyloxy**: ...

**daddybats**: I think I should have that role Kate.

**evilqueen**: omg Bruce 

**candykane**: no way, you gotta walk one of them down the aisle

** candykane ** : stay in ur lane bitch

**foxyloxy**: okay damn

**daddybats**: I suppose that’s true.

**memequeen**: I reckon Dick should walk down the aisle 

**dickie**: why would I be the one who walks down the aisle?  
  


**memequeen**: because you’d be more comfortable with that kind of attention than Jay would

**memequeen**: also you’d look smoking in a dress

**dickie**: well...I mean you ain’t wrong

**deadbatwalking**: yeah you’d definitely be the one wearing a dress pretty bird

**dickie**: ...

**dickie**: wait

**dickie**: you think I’m pretty?

**deadbatwalking**: no course not

**deadbatwalking**: gross

**deadbatwalking**: I gotta go

**duchess**: um...

**replacement**: he’ll be fine

**memequeen**: yah I got this

**memequeen**: chill

**memequeen**: Steph is on the case  
  
  


————————————

**bro >:)** to **bro <3**

**bro >:)**: Jay

**bro >:)**: Jay 

**bro >:)**: Jay

**bro >:)**: I’m not going to stop until you answer me

**bro >:)**: Jay 

**bro >:)**: Jay

**bro >:)**: JAYYY

**bro >:)**: JAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

**bro <3**: I’m gonna find you and tie your hands down so you can’t type anymore

**bro >:)**: kinky

**bro >:)**: also character development because a few years ago you probably would have threatened to cut my hands off rather than just tie them down

**bro >:)**: I like to think that’s my influence 

**bro <3**: you’re so weird 

**bro >:)**: and don’t you forget it

**bro <3**: what do you want dork?

**bro >:)**: wanted to make sure you weren’t having a meltdown

**bro <3**: I’m not

**bro >:)**: liar

**bro <3**: leave it Steph

————————————

**bluebird** to **little wing**

**bluebird**: I think you’re pretty too btw

**little wing**: shut it pretty bird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’ve said multiple times that I was going to try and branch out beyond Steph and add more batcat but that didn’t really happen. Whoops. If I manage to crank out another chapter, I’ll add more batcat. Pinky promise.
> 
> Also some developments on the JayDick front. Yay!
> 
> Edit: just realised I posted this on the anniversary of Jason’s death so now I wanna cry.


	7. In which Duke is a little out of his league

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Selina makes her first proper group chat debut (Bruce almost wishes she hadn’t).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I have so many ideas! So much inspo! An actual urge to write! It’s a miracle! Expect more chapters soon.
> 
> I think that this chapter is officially the most chaotic of them all.

_[Friday, 8:42pm]_

**duchess**: HELP

**duchess**: GUYS HWELP FICK

**dickie**: Duke?? 

**dickie**: what’s wrong?

**deadbatwalking**: dude where are you?

**replacement**: talk to us man

**daddybats**: Duke? Are you alright?

**duchess**: oh uh shit sorry 

**duchess**: I’m fine 

**duchess**: I just need Selina or Damian 

**replacement**: ....what?

**daddybats**: Why those two?

**memequeen**: odd duo 

**memequeen**: like reeeeally odd duo

**foxyloxy**: what the hell do they have in common??

**evilqueen**: cats

**evilqueen**: unlike duchess they know how to take care of cats

**foxyloxy**: righttt

**foxyloxy**: nope still don’t understand 

**demonspawn**: Have you acquired a cat?

**duchess**: YES!

**duchess**: it followed me into my apartment and now it won’t leave and I don’t know whattodowithit

**deadbatwalking**: spaces dude

**duchess**: sorry I’m freaking out

**duchess**: it’s so clingy and it won’t stop meowing 

**hbic**: hug it

**duchess**: I am

**evilqueen**: he is

**duchess**: I know I should be used to you watching me but I’m not

**duchess**: it’s creepy Babs

**evilqueen**: booo

**memequeen**: give it food and water and maybe put it outside at night with some blankets

**memequeen**: it’s summer so it should be okay

**duchess**: huh yeah okay, thanks Steph 

**memequeen**: welcome 

**memequeen**: I just looked it up on my phone 

**memequeen**: like you could have done

**duchess**: shut it

**duchess**: it won’t stop climbing on me

**duchess**: aren’t cats meant to be like feed me peasant, pet me peasant, I’m superior to you in every way bye

**misskitty**: Even the superior want a little love sometimes Duke

**misskitty**: It’s why I accepted Bruce’s marriage proposal

**memequeen**: okay first of all SAVAGE SELINA

**memequeen**: second of all HI!!

**memequeen**: and third and most importantly...

**memequeen**: WHAT THE FUCK

**replacement**: Bruce proposed to you????

**deadbatwalking**: good god

**deadbatwalking**: Selina don’t do it

**deadbatwalking**: save yourself 

**daddybats**: Selina, for God’s sake, I was planning for us tell them that face-to-face. 

**misskitty**: Oops

**demonspawn**: This is not acceptable, father! She is a criminal, marrying her would bring dishonour to our family.

**demonspawn**: We get enough dishonour from Drake.

**replacement**: omg fuck off

**dickie**: Tim language 

**dickie**: Dami don’t be rude

**foxyloxy**: they’re both pretty savage 

**foxyloxy**: Selina and Damian I mean 

**candykane**: yeah I feel like they should get along better

**candykane**: also congrats guys you’re officially completely buying into the heteronormative society bullshit 

**evilqueen**: ouch someone’s feeling cynical today 

**candykane**: I woke up on the wrong side of the bed

**daddybats**: Look, I proposed a couple of nights ago and Selina and I were planning to tell you face-to-face but she accidentally let it slip. I apologise you had to find out this way.

**memequeen**: “accidentally”

**Alfie<3**: I would like to offer my most heartfelt congratulations, Master Bruce, Miss Selina.

**daddybats**: Thank you Alfred.

**dickie**: yeah congrats guys 

**deadbatwalking**: I still say run Sel but congrats or whatever

**hbic**: congratulations \\(^-^)/

**memequeen**: yee congrats 

**evilqueen**: I can’t believe this is finally happening

**evilqueen**: I’m so proud

**demonspawn**: I refuse to congratulate you.

**replacement**: can it Damian

**replacement**: congrats you two!

**foxyloxy**: what they said (minus Jason and Damian)

**deadbatwalking**: everyone’s a critic 

**duchess**: yay 

**duchess**: happy for you guys

**duchess**: Selina you want another cat?

**misskitty**: Of course Duke

**daddybats**: You are still here.

**misskitty**: Yes

**daddybats**: Why didn’t you say anything earlier?

**misskitty**: They took it well enough 

**misskitty**: Damian and I will have to talk

**demonspawn**: tt.

**replacement**: still can’t believe you type that

**dickie**: we’ll have to change your user 

**deadbatwalking**: to what mrskitty? 

**dickie**: hmm maybe 

**evilqueen**: screw that are you taking Bruce’s name?

**misskitty**: God no

**misskitty**: How ghastly 

**deadbatwalking**: mskitty then

**daddybats**: What do you mean ghastly?

**misskitty**: Selina Wayne? No thank you

**daddybats**: It sounds nice.

**misskitty**: Oh Brucie, I love you but no 

**dickie**: Selina you need to be in this chat more 

**dickie**: it’s so much more entertaining 

**replacement**: I low-key feel like the rest of us should be offended but you’re not wrong

**misskitty**: I will endeavour to be more active Dick, promise 

**dickie**: thanks mom

**misskitty**: You, Dick Grayson, are officially my least favourite child

**dickie**: ouch

**memequeen**: who’s your fav?

**misskitty**: Tim

**replacement**: FUCK YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS

**daddybats**: Selina, you cannot have a favourite child.

**misskitty**: Don’t tell me what to do

**daddybats**: Yes, Dear.

**memequeen**: boy we all know who wears the pants in that relationship

**evilqueen**: queen shit

**hbic** changed **misskitty** to **queenkitty **

**candykane**: I honestly didn’t like you to begin with Selina but you’ve grown on me

**candykane**: like a wart or something

**queenkitty**: That means so much to me Kate

**queenkitty**: Also, thank you Cass

**duchess**: oh god

**duchess**: this is lowkey terrifying 

**duchess**: but also super badass cause women supporting women is the only thing that matters

**memequeen**: aww we love you Duke

**candykane**: you’ll definitely live when we take over the world

**hbic**: yes Duke

**dickie**: I think women supporting women is the best as well

**evilqueen**: don’t be a kiss ass Dick

**dickie**: I can never do anything right

**evilqueen**: don’t whine

**dickie**: booo

**dickie**: why are you my best friend again?

**evilqueen**: because I’m the best goddamn thing that ever happened to you 

**dickie**: debatable 

**foxyloxy**: you drunk Dick?

**dickie**: no why?

**foxyloxy**: couldn’t think of any other explanation for why you’re talking back to babs 

**hbic**: brave man

**dickie**: I’m not afraid of babs 

**replacement**: LIES

**memequeen**: what is with you and caps today?

**replacement**: TOO MUCH CAFFEINE 

**memequeen**: someone cut Tim off 

**demonspawn**: I will.

**hbic**: ?

**dickie**: really?

**deadbatwalking**: I knew they actually liked each other

**replacement**: OMG HE JUST TRIED TO STAB ME

**demonspawn**: Don’t be ridiculous, I attempted to stab your mug.

**deadbatwalking**: never mind

**memequeen**: I said off Damian, not just straight up cut

**daddybats**: Please don’t make me come up there. Please.

**queenkitty**: This is all so chaotic

**foxyloxy**: are you surprised?

** queenkitty ** : Not particularly

**replacement**: Bruce, you should put Damian down

**replacement**: he’s clearly FERAL

**demonspawn**: You should remember who the blood son is.

**daddybats**: Separate now!

**demonspawn**: Father!

**replacement**: Bruce!

**Alfie<3**: Young Masters, I am busy. I will not be impressed if I have to come and separate you myself.

**replacement**: I’ll be in my room

**demonspawn**: I’ll be with Titus in the garden.

**candykane**: that was spectacular 

**memequeen**: truly showstopping

**deadbatwalking**: I say it once again, Alfie could take over the world so so easily 

**foxyloxy**: glad he’s on our side 

**evilqueen**: we all are

**queenkitty**: Back to the original subject, Duke if I message you my address, you can bring the cat over tomorrow

**duchess**: awesome, thanks Selina 

**memequeen**: oh yeah I forgot about the cat

**hbic**: very complicated chat

**memequeen**: Duke got adopted by a cat, batcat are getting married, women and Alfie are taking over the world, Dick womaned up and talked back to Babs and Damian tried to kill Tim again

**memequeen**: I barely had time to shine 

**evilqueen**: drama queen

**memequeen**: meme queen

**deadbatwalking**: I hate this chat 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so Duke’s experiences with the cat are based off of my own experiences with this cat who turned up at my door and hasn’t left. Unfortunately, I don’t know a Selina to take him in :( If anyone has any advice for a certified dog person on how to take care of a clingy cat, I’d appreciate a comment or two ;)
> 
> Also Duke kind of forgot he can’t send messages asking for help like that to the Batfam...
> 
> On another note, Selina spoke to the others and ruined Bruce’s weekend. Yay!


	8. The one where Tim can’t catch a break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Barbara Gordon holds the ultimate power.

_[Thursday, 9:17pm]_

**replacement**: just to let you guys know, there’s a festival thing happening in Metropolis tomorrow, if any of you wanna head over with me

**dickie**: you meeting Kon there?

**replacement**: no Dick I’m going to go to all the way to Metropolis, home of the way too happy just for the food stalls

**dickie**: alright snippy 

**dickie**: also I’d go for the food stalls

**memequeen**: I doubt they have a cereal stand dickie

**dickie**: you know I eat more than cereal right?

**memequeen**: oh yeah like what?

**dickie**: waffles 

**evilqueen**: Dick, honey, the caves bats eat better than you

**dickie**: they do not

**hbic**: Alfie feeds them 

**dickie**: oh right okay then they probably do

**Alfie<3**: They have a preference for free-range, corn-fed chicken goujons, gently fried in olive oil. With Chives.

**replacement**: omg I live at the manor and I don’t eat that well

**Alfie<3**: Yes, well, it would help if you consumed more sustenance than eight cups of coffee a day, Master Timothy.

**replacement**: how dare you Alfie

**replacement**: I definitely drink closer to 12

**memequeen**: dude...

**hbic**: how are you alive

**replacement**: I’d be pretty disappointed if, considering what we go through on a daily basis, I get taken out by caffeine

**duchess**: knowing your luck that’s gonna happen 

**replacement**: thanksss duchess 

**duchess**: mwah 

**replacement**: oh yeah

**replacement**: back to my OG topic 

**replacement**: Jon wants demon to come so I want other people there as a buffer

**dickie**: Timmy pls stop calling him that

**replacement**: I’ll stop calling him demon when Jason stops calling me replacement

**deadbatwalking**: never gonna happen 

**dickie**: little wing please 

**deadbatwalking**: nope

**evilqueen**: he’ll do anything you ask

**evilqueen**: just don’t ask him to cook cause he’ll probably give you food poisoning 

**dickie**: go to hell babs

**evilqueen**: you wouldn’t want me to go to hell

**evilqueen**: I’d take over, become the queen and then ruin your life with my demonic army 

**deadbatwalking**: been to hell, you’d own their punk asses red 

**evilqueen**: aww Jay

**evilqueen**: you can be my second-in-command 

**deadbatwalking**: appreciated red 

**dickie**: you know, it’s kinda weird seeing someone other than Tim get called ‘red’

**evilqueen**: I’m the OG red here

**evilqueen**: 15 years Timmy’s senior and been a red head the whole time

**evilqueen**: omg I’m so old 

**memequeen**: Babs you’re 32, you ain’t old

**foxyloxy**: just wise

**evilqueen**: well you got that right 

**dickie**: I love how quickly you bounce back from these things

**evilqueen**: shut it kid 

**dickie**: don’t call me kid, I’m 26 years old!

**evilqueen**: really?

**duchess**: that sounded pretty petulant

**deadbatwalking**: very child-like

**dickie**: you guys suck 

**dickie**: babs I’m adding your dad

**evilqueen**: NO

**evilqueen**: DON’T YOU DARE RICHARD

**evilqueen**: wait why am I panicking?

**evilqueen**: I hold all of the control here, you can’t do anything to this chat without my permission 

**memequeen**: omg is babs like our overlord or something??

**duchess**: that’s terrifying 

**deadbatwalking**: yes red is our overlord 

**deadbatwalking** changed **evilqueen** to **overlord**

**overlord**: oh stop you guys, you’re making me blush

**dickie**: stop encouraging her !!

**hbic**: stop fighting her rule

**memequeen**: what Cass said

**daddybats**: Damian and I will accompany you to Metropolis, Tim. I wish to speak with Clark and Lois.

**replacement**: umm okayyy

**memequeen**: SLWMKSLAMOAKSM

**memequeen**: Bruce really just ignored a whole ass conversation 

**daddybats**: It wasn’t relevant to me.

**hbic**: savage 

**overlord**: ouch Bruce 

**demonspawn**: I don’t want to go to Metropolis, it’s odd.

**dickie**: it’s bright and people are happy, what’s odd about it?

**deadbatwalking**: I think you just answered your own question there dickiebird 

**dickie**: right

**dickie**: my god

**dickie**: this family is so weird 

**foxyloxy**: that’s what I’ve been saying 

**duchess**: same

**duchess**: nice of you to finally catch up 

**daddybats**: Damian, you are coming with Tim and I and that’s final.

**demonspawn**: Fine.

**replacement**: well...this is gonna be fun

**deadbatwalking**: I’m definitely not going 

**dickie**: I’m gonna pass as well

**memequeen**: yeah no thanks

**hbic**: sorry

**overlord**: I’m going to be busy doing anything else 

**foxyloxy**: I’m gonna be helping with that

**duchess**: I’ve actually got other plans so I couldn’t go even if I had wanted to

**duchess**: which I really didn’t

**replacement**: I hate all of you

**replacement**: I need a new family 

**replacement**: I’m gonna get the Kent’s to take me in

**dickie**: but then you’ll have to live in Metropolis 

**replacement**: ...

**replacement**: FUCK

**Alfie<3**: Master Timothy.

**replacement**: FUDGE

**Alfie<3**: Better.

**replacement**: you’ll come, right Alfie?

**Alfie<3**: I’m afraid I have spring cleaning to be getting on with tomorrow.

**replacement**: but it’s not spring 

**Alfie<3**: You’ll all have to excuse me, I have dinner to attend to.

**replacement**: WE ALREADY HAD DINNER 

**replacement**: it’s nearly 10 

**replacement**: my life is just one big cosmic joke

**deadbatwalking**: yes...yes it is

**replacement**: ugh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Timmy.
> 
> Alfred feeding the bats pretentious food is completely canon btw. Only Alfred.
> 
> Babs is the ultimate overlord and I love her way too much.
> 
> Btw their ages in my mind: Alfred - 71, Bruce - 40, Selina&Kate - 36, Babs - 32, Dick - 26, Luke - 25, Jason - 22, Cass - 19, Steph - 18, Tim&Duke - 17 & Damian - 12. Totally up to you if you wanna picture that differently though!


	9. In which Dick is an embarrassment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Bruce regrets his life choices (but not really).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t really know where I was going with this chapter but whatever...praise Luke, our sweet angelic boy who will happily punch you in the face :)

_[Friday, 3:58pm]_**  
replacement**: Dick

**dickie**: yess?

**replacement**: did you seriously call Clark, Clarkman when you first met him?

**dickie**: yes I did

**dickie**: I was a little star struck tbh

**overlord**: I remember hearing about that

**overlord**: Alfie ended up offering you a rhino tranq so you could stop embarrassing yourself

**dickie**: honestly I rarely feel embarrassed 

**deadbatwalking**: you should do

**replacement**: yeah you swung through Gotham in green scaled panties 

**deadbatwalking**: you used to say shit like holy {insert stupid word here} Batman in a squeaky ass voice

**replacement**: you are the reason everything has the word bat- in front of it like what’s wrong with just calling them handcuffs, why do they need to be called bat-cuffs?

**duchess**: I think the real question there is why did Bruce allow this?

**deadbatwalking**: dickiebird is his favourite child Dukey boy

**dickie**: Timmmmm

**dickie**: Jayyyyyy

**dickie**: Duke don’t listen to them

**replacement**: you had a mullet and then a ridiculously long ponytail

**overlord**: basically everything about discowing

**overlord**: goddamn embarrassment 

**deadbatwalking**: tbf I liked the discowing suit

**deadbatwalking**: no offence to the hets

**dickie**: thank you little wing

**overlord**: no accounting for taste I suppose 

**memequeen**: it’s just cause a whole lot of his chest was on display 

**deadbatwalking**: quiet you

**replacement**: how about that time when you were with the Titans and you got turned into a giant avocado

**dickie**: oh my god Tim

**memequeen**: I’m sorry

**memequeen**: WHAT??

**dickie**: it’s a long story

**replacement**: I’ll tell you about it when I come over later Steph 

**memequeen**: yisss

**foxyloxy**: you got up to some weird shit with the Titans Dick

**dickie**: ...yeahhh

**dickie**: kinda glad that I don’t lead them anymore

**demonspawn**: I am not. They’re imbeciles.

**memequeen**: give them back to Tim

**replacement**: NO 

**replacement**: I have enough to deal with with YJ

**demonspawn**: Those of you who do not lead teams should count yourself lucky.

**memequeen**: I do, don’t worry

**deadbatwalking**: smaller teams are easier to deal with

**overlord**: amen to that 

**queenkitty**: Poor darlings

**demonspawn**: Quiet villain!

**dickie**: oh my god dami no

**queenkitty**: It’s quite alright Dick, he’s just angry because we have to ‘hang out’ tomorrow in order to learn how to pretend to tolerate each other 

**daddybats**: No! That is not the reason why! It’s so you can start to get to know each other and try to get along better.

**demonspawn**: Father, that will never happen.

**queenkitty**: You should just accept that Bruce

**daddybats**: No wonder I’m going grey.

**deadbatwalking**: BAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHA

**deadbatwalking**: classic 

**daddybats**: You’re another reason, Jason.

**deadbatwalking**: you looking for a fight old man?

**dickie**: little wing 

**deadbatwalking**: whatever 

**memequeen**: cutteeee

**memequeen**: ...I think 

**hbic**: cute 

**memequeen**: wonderful

**daddybats**: Honestly, you’ve all contributed to my grey hairs.

**foxyloxy**: whoa 

**foxyloxy**: I don’t know what you’re talking about 

**foxyloxy**: I’m a goddamn angel

**daddybats**: Luke, the last time you saw Lex Luthor, you threatened to knock his head off.

**foxyloxy**: nope that doesn’t sound like me

**foxyloxy**: I’m the calm, reasonable member of this family

**memequeen**: BULLSHIT

**memequeen**: no one in this family is calm or reasonable 

**overlord**: those words do not exist in this families vocabulary 

**replacement**: neither do the words sane, safe or rested.

**hbic**: we should have the grey hair  
  


**  
memequeen**: exactly!!

**deadbatwalking**: I couldn’t agree more Cass

**dickie**: besides, you took us all in Bruce

**duchess**: yeah this is your fault 

**overlord**: the Batfam wouldn’t be a thing without you  
  
  


**replacement**: you raised us

**Alfie<3**: And on another note, my hair turned grey long before the children came into our lives, Master Bruce. 

**Alfie<3**: So I believe they make a good point.

**daddybats**: I’m starting to regret all my life decisions.  


**deadbatwalking**: aww we wuv u 2 Brucie

**memequeen**: wow Jason just said he loved Bruce, momentous occasion

**deadbatwalking**: wait...no

**dickie**: I’m so proud of you Jay!

**deadbatwalking**: shut up dickface

**daddybats**: I’m glad that you are finally able to admit that, son.

**deadbatwalking**: I was being sarcastic 

**replacement**: we should celebrate this   


**Alfie<3**: How about a family meal?

**daddybats**: Perfect.

**memequeen**: hell yeah!   


**memequeen**: we can embarrass Dick more when we’re together as well

**replacement**: can’t wait

**dickie**: noooo

**deadbatwalking**: I’m coming for the food and Dick’s embarrassment and that’s it

**overlord**: sure it is Jay

**foxyloxy**: Steph, Cass, want me to swing by and pick you up?

**hbic**: yes! :)

**memequeen**: THANKS LUKEY!!

**duchess**: see you guys in a bit!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of started this chapter and then realised that I didn’t really like it. However, I couldn’t bring myself to delete either so I figured I’d just post it and get rid of it.
> 
> Dick gets up to some crazy things guys...that episode of TT when he gets turned into an avocado like ??? (I found out about that online, I never watched an episode of TT in my life). 
> 
> Also DC please, please sort of your continuity, I was so confused about who was leading what team and when so for the sake of this fic, Tim is leading YJ (which is canon in the comics, I don’t think Dick ever lead it beyond the show??) and Damian has just started with Titans (whether that be the comic team or the DCAU team, that can be up to you).


	10. The one where everyone ships nighthood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And things get a little real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so when I started this chapter, it was meant to be way more chaotic and funny but then things took a more serious turn. So, sorry for the lack of (poor) humour with this chapter, we’ll get back on track with that next chapter hopefully!

_ [Tuesday, 8:34am] _

**foxyloxy**: GUYS HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEWS???

**memequeen**: SKSNJSKANKZKKS

**overlord**: I’M SCREAMING

**duchess**: I’M MAKING POSTERS

**hbic**: I WANT ONE

**replacement**: THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED

**deadbatwalking**: shut the fuck up you fucking pricks

**demonspawn**: What is going on?

**dickie**: nothing Dami

**daddybats**: Nightwing and Red Hood are dating.

**queenkitty**: Oh my

**deadbatwalking**: NO

**dickie**: that picture was taken out of context 

**deadbatwalking**: YEAH

**overlord**: you were kissing????

**dickie**: we were undercover!!

**memequeen**: you were in your suits???

**memequeen**: who goes undercover in their suits???

**dickie**: we were cornered 

**deadbatwalking**: we panicked and tried to do that ‘make people uncomfortable’ thing so we wouldn’t get noticed

**dickie**: yeah!!

**foxyloxy**: ...so you weren’t undercover??

**dickie**: well no but yes

**hbic**: unconvincing 

**duchess**: sounds like you’re both clawing for excuses 

**duchess**: you shouldn’t 

**duchess**: we all support you 

**candykane**: WHOO THAT LIP LOCK

**candykane**: GO REDWING

**replacement**: nighthood??

**memequeen**: rednight??

**demonspawn**: They’re all awful.

**foxyloxy**: epic***

**queenkitty**: I’m very happy for you boys <3

**dickie**: NO

**deadbatwalking**: FUCK OFF

**dickie**: seriously it’s not like that

**daddybats**: Look boys, we are all happy for you but if you don’t feel comfortable telling us about your relationship, then that’s okay.

**Alfie<3**: You should not feel any pressure, Master Dick, Master Jason.

**memequeen**: yeah we love you both

**hbic**: mwah mwah mwahhhhhh

**deadbatwalking**: ....I give up

**dickie**: we love you guys but you’ve got it all wrong

**deadbatwalking**: what’s with this ‘we’ shit??

**dickie**: Jason pls

**deadbatwalking**: I don’t love them

**dickie**: ignore him

**demonspawn**: I usually do.

**memequeen**: woahhh savage Dames

**demonspawn**: I can’t help it if you believe the truth is ‘savage’.

**hbic**: wow

**daddybats**: Damian, enough. This is about Dick and Jason, not you.

**dickie**: Bruce...please 

**deadbatwalking**: you’re enjoying this aren’t you??

**candykane**: I am

**candykane**: I’ve already made a tumblr blog

**candykane**: got over 500 followers and rising

**candykane**: congrats boys, you bitches famous 

**deadbatwalking**: I fucking hate you 

**candykane**: yeah yeah love you too shithead

**foxyloxy**: on a serious note, why are you guys so touchy about this?

**foxyloxy**: you’re both reacting pretty oddly to something that was done in supposed panic...

**foxyloxy**: if it wasn’t that big a deal, couldn’t you just laugh along with us?

**memequeen**: uhhhh true 

**dickie**: it’s complicated

**foxyloxy**: I don’t see why...if you guys like each other, you’d make it work

**foxyloxy**: you’d have our support 

**foxyloxy**: we like to joke but we actually do think you’d make each other happy

**overlord**: couldn’t have said it better myself Luke

**duchess**: yeah you guys both have qualities that would compliment each other 

**memequeen**: obvs it might be a struggle at times cause you both have a list of issues as long as my arm but so do Cass and I 

**hbic**: we help each other heal and grow

**replacement**: same with me and Kon

**replacement**: our lives aren’t easy and finding someone to share it with is hard but you guys could do it

**deadbatwalking**: you guys never had serious issues with each other though

**queenkitty**: Bruce and I did though, we still do and we have a lot more baggage than you two. Some days it’s a constant battle, we don’t agree on a lot of things and it can sometimes feel like it would just be easier to end things

**queenkitty**: However, it’s worth trying, I’ve never been happier than when I’m with Bruce. When I’m with all of you. I think you’ll find that if you can find a civil way to work through any issues and you can find some compromise, it’ll be easier to make it work than you think 

**deadbatwalking**: yeah

**dickie**: thank you guys

**candykane**: okayyyyyy you kids are starting to make me tear up so we should definitely change the subject and let Jay and Dick reflect on some things

**dickie**: yeah

**memequeen**: um anyone wanna go to the beach??

**hbic**: beach??

**replacement**: what beach??

**memequeen**: I don’t know!

**memequeen**: I just said the first thing that came into my head

**overlord**: god Steph

**Alfie<3**: Perhaps we should all come off our devices and get on with anything that needs to be done today.

**duchess**: yes, good idea Alfie

**overlord**: I do actually have a lot to do

**foxyloxy**: yeah me too

**hbic**: um bye bye

**candykane**: laterz

**replacement**: yeah bye guys

———————————————————————

**bluebird** to **little wing**

**bluebird**: I think we need to talk Jay

**little wing**: I know 

**little wing**: but I need a couple of days

**little wing**: please

**bluebird**: of course, just...call me okay?

**little wing**: yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah. Things got a little more serious than usual because I wanted JayDick to be kind of a funny build up with the teasing and stuff but then I realised that Jason and tbh Dick wouldn’t be able to move forward like that. They needed reassurance and they need time. That means this chapter got a little more real and less silly, however, it means that going forward, they’ll have talked and things will start to, you know, actually develop. 
> 
> And they kissed...uwu
> 
> Anyway, I fucking love these characters and I want them to just be happy :((.


	11. In which Steph spits facts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Bruce is loved by the author, she just has days where she’s angry at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was on a hiatus for a little bit but this kind of wormed it’s way into my head and wouldn’t go away until I wrote it.
> 
> Bruce may seem kind of ooc, sorry about that, I just wanted one of his kids to call him out and staying on brand, it had to be my girl Steph.
> 
> This is also kind of serious again? Idk why, I promise the next chapter will be as stupid and chaotic as it was in the beginning.

_ [Sunday, 3:12pm] _

**memequeen**: yoooo

**memequeen**: I know it’s been agess since we spoke on here cause apparently the villains decided this month was the month to actually start being competent and we’ve all been super duper busy 

**memequeen**: butttttt

**memequeen**: Cass and I have news!

**replacement**: I am already aware of this news and I’m so excited for you both

**deadbatwalking**: c’mon blondie don’t leave us hanging

**memequeen**: Cass and I are....

**hbic**: MOVING IN TOGETHER

**deadbatwalking**: oh damn

**deadbatwalking**: congrats you guys

**overlord**: ayyyy happy for you both

**dickie**: oooo wow!!

**dickie**: what’s your apartment like?

**duchess**: can I help decorate???

**memequeen**: absolutely Duke I love your apartment

**duchess**: thank

**memequeen**: and no we haven’t decided on a place yet but we’ve saved up a lot so we’ve got a reasonable amount to spend

**hbic**: most places need work though

**foxyloxy**: yeah unfortunately that’s Gotham

**queenkitty**: Honestly, as long as it’s in a relatively...I want to say safe but again it’s Gotham...perhaps nearer to where Duke’s apartment is or where mine was before I moved in with Bruce, you should be okay

**memequeen**: yeah those are the sorts of areas we’ve been looking and we’ve found some okay apartments but we’re not sure

**Alfie<3**: Perhaps Miss Selina would be so kind as to go with you to view some apartments?

**hbic**: ooo please!

**queenkitty**: I would be honoured

**daddybats**: I’m not sure I approve of this.

**memequeen**: approve of what????

**hbic**: dad??

**daddybats**: I think you are too young to be moving into an apartment together.

**queenkitty**: Bruce don’t 

**daddybats**: I’m sorry but I’m saying no.

**deadbatwalking**: you can’t do that old man

**dickie**: they’re both adults

**candykane**: look usually I wouldn’t get involved in you and your children cuz but wtf??? 

**memequeen**: so you don’t want us to move in together because we’re “too young”

**daddybats**: Yes.

**memequeen**: are you kidding me???

**memequeen**: we’re too young to move in together but we’re not too young to be your sidekick at what was it Dick?? 9??

**memequeen**: we’re too young to move in together but we’re not too young to be trained essentially to kill even if we aren’t allowed to do it??

**memequeen**: we’re too young to move in together but we’re not too young to fight villains like Joker or Harley or Ivy etc. And put our lives at risk day in and day out??

**memequeen**: we’re too young to move in together but we’re not too young to be your child soldiers?? 

**memequeen**: basically what I’m saying is you are a hypocrite Bruce

**deadbatwalking**: what she said

**dickie**: she’s not wrong 

**overlord**: wow truth hurts

**queenkitty**: I think you might need to rethink your stance on this dear

**candykane**: shots fucking fired

**Alfie<3**: I believe more support is necessary from you, Master Bruce.

**daddybats**: I acknowledge that you’ve made some very good points Stephanie. I apologise. You are correct, you are both adults and capable of making your own decisions about your future.

**memequeen**: damn straight 

**hbic**: ^-^

**memequeen**: like you know we love you B but sometimes you come out with some weird crap

**replacement**: parent logic

**replacement**: really really messed up parent logic 

**deadbatwalking**: amen

**duchess**: so, B you have any apartment suggestions??

**daddybats**: I will look into some places and be in touch.

**demonspawn**: Father is sulking.

**demonspawn**: And congratulations Cain, Brown.

**memequeen**: uh wow thanks brat

**hbic**: ty!!

**replacement**: I think that’s the nicest thing he’s said to a person who isn’t Dick

**dickie**: yeah tbh 

**deadbatwalking**: well this was officially the most fun chat I’ve ever been in 

**deadbatwalking**: Steph my dear girl, you are officially my favourite person in the world

**memequeen**: awww shucks thx Jay

**memequeen**: man I need a nap

**memequeen**: I’m gonna head out for a while guys

**hbic**: me too

**memequeen**: let us know if you find any cool apartments 

**queenkitty**: Will do

**foxyloxy**: ofc

———————————————————————

  
**B(itch)** to **Steph**

**B(itch)**: I have found an apartment that I believe might be to your liking. It’s in a decent area and is going for a reasonable price but I can help with finances if need be.

**B(itch)**: Selina said that she will take you and Cass to view it.

**Steph**: sounds good

**Steph**: thanks B

**B(itch)**: I apologise again for my behaviour earlier.

**Steph**: nah it’s cool

**Steph**: sorry for exploding at you

**B(itch)**: You were well within your rights.

**Steph**: thx later B

———————————————————————

**Steph** to **B(ruce)**

**Steph**: love u stupid old man

**B(ruce)**: I do as well.

**Steph**: you love yourself??

**Steph**: narcissist 

**B(ruce)**: Stephanie please 

**Steph**: hahahhahahahah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steph changes her contact name for Bruce depending on what mood she’s in with him.
> 
> Bruce would probably be supportive usually, I think he’s just feeling pretty tender that all his kids are flying the coop.
> 
> More StephCass yay!! And yes, I kinda just dropped it in there that Selina has moved into the manor. Also I will be getting to the conclusion of what happened between Jason and Dick soon, don’t worry.


	12. The one where the bats need to get lives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Bruce and Selina need to get a room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! So soon after the last one! I have been blessed with sudden motivation...it’s weird.
> 
> This one is back to its usual chaotic self so there wasn’t a lot of development ship/character wise but you know sometimes you just gotta deal with my bad humour.

_ [Wednesday, 10:38pm] _

**memequeen**: ooohhh Jason I luvvvv youuuu sooo muchhhh

**overlord**: I luvvvvyou tooo 

**overlord**: we should go make out on some rooftops

**deadbatwalking**: I’ll probably come spy on you guys cause I’m sooooo nosy

**dickie**: I support all of you and I love all of you and do whatever guys

**duchess**: shut up Dick I run the show around here and I’d sell your souls for cookies if it didn’t mean I’d have to meet with that moron downstairs 

**overlord**: I’ve met him

**overlord**: cause you know

**overlord**: I died that one time

**foxyloxy**: who hasn’t

**foxyloxy**: XD

**hbic**: I haven’t 

**hbic**: damn this chat

**hbic**: bye

**replacement**: OMG DRAKE THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. AREN’T YOU ALL FORGETTING I’M THE BLOOD SON!!! YOU ALL BRING THIS FAMILY SHAME! SHAME I TELL YOU!

**demonspawn**: I haven’t slept in ten billion years and I look like Batcow chewed me up and spat me back out let me just drink eighteen cups of coffee so I can pretend to function like a normal human being

**replacement**: SHUT UP DRAKE OR I’LL STAB YOU WITH MY KATANA TT.

**demonspawn**: I would take being stabbed with your katana over this plane of existence 

**memequeen**: awww Dami Timmy don’t be so mean to each other

**memequeen**: hug it out cause we all know that hugs make the world go round

**overlord**: you are so right baby gimme some hugs 

**memequeen**: I’ll hug you anytime you want ;)

**duchess**: I’ll make sure I catch it on cam and send it to everyone 

**duchess**: I got yo backs 

**foxyloxy**: I want one

**foxyloxy**: Steph can hang it in our apartment

**foxyloxy**: when she picks one 

**deadbatwalking**: I’m taking my sweet time honey because I’m so preoccupied with other people’s love lives that I just don’t have the time

**memequeen**: well at least unlike Jason Steph is making some big moves with her relationship 

**candykane**: oh me-yowwwww

**candykane**: I’m so sultry and seductive I’m sure I could teach you kids a thing or two 

**overlord**: I’m so lost kitty please some advice 

**candykane**: You just gotta ravage him 

**memequeen**: I like the sound of that

**queenkitty**: as a lesbian goddess I have to say you should ignore everything she just said and listen to me

**queenkitty**: just play hard to get let them come crawling to you 

**candykane**: Oh trust me I know all about making men crawl although usually I prefer to be the one on my knees

**queenkitty**: at least people want you on your knees I haven’t got any in like 10 years

**candykane**: Oh poor you, well for me it’s all about the kinks you know

**candykane**: This kitty has claws and all that

**daddybats**: I know, the claw marks on my back are testament to that.

**memequeen**: NOOOOOO

**replacement**: OMG MY EYES

**dickie**: Bruce why would you even?????

**overlord**: I need bleach 

**hbic**: O_o

**candykane**: I hate you 

**candykane**: I really genuinely hate you cuz

**deadbatwalking**: I feel like I just walked in on my parents having sex

**duchess**: but this is somehow worse than that

**demonspawn**: Father, that is utterly disgraceful.

**foxyloxy**: DAMN THIS CHAT TO THE FIRERY PITS OF HELL 

**daddybats**: Thank you for alerting me to their topic Alfred.

**Alfie<3**: That is quite alright, Master Bruce. I thought it was starting to get a little out of hand.

**memequeen**: Alfieeee why would you let B do this to us???

**Alfie<3**: I apologise, Mistress Stephanie. I had not realised Master Bruce would be so...vulgar.

**daddybats**: Best way to end it.

**queenkitty**: Indeed

**queenkitty**: Perhaps we should add a few more claw marks to your back?

**dickie**: thank the high heavens I live in Bludhaven

**memequeen**: AHHHHHH NOOOOO

**hbic**: I’m going to HK

**deadbatwalking**: I’m going to hit the self destruct on my helmet bye losers

**replacement**: due to personal reasons I have decided to pass away

**replacement**: I leave Steph the coffee machine 

**memequeen**: I don’t like coffee

**replacement**: I know 

**demonspawn**: I’m returning to my mother.

**duchess**: if I hit my head hard enough do you think I’ll forget this conversation??

**foxyloxy**: BABS LET ME LEAVE 

**overlord**: *babs.exe has stopped working*

**candykane**: I’m trying duchess and it’s not working 

**duchess**: NOOOOO

**Alfie<3**: Oh my. Master Bruce, Mistress Selina, I believe you may have traumatised your children.

**queenkitty**: Good <3

**daddybats**: They’ll live.

**dickie**: you are the absolute worst 

**deadbatwalking**: why would you even do that to us??

**daddybats**: Why were you all pretending to be each other?

**overlord**: Steph started it and we just thought it was funny 

**memequeen**: we all decided who we wanted to be and then figured we’d move it to this chat to scare you B but...

**hbic**: we got scared instead

**daddybats**: I’m rather surprised you got Damian to agree to join in.

**replacement**: he said he’d only join in if he got to be me 

**replacement**: so I became him in retaliation

**overlord**: obviously Steph and I had to be our favourite emotionally repressed morons 

**dickie**: hey I’m not emotionally repressed 

** dickie ** : I love hugs

**duchess**: I think hugs is your form of emotional repression 

**duchess**: like when you’ve got someone’s face smooshed into your chest they can’t talk so you don’t have to either 

**memequeen**: KJWNAKAMNA

**memequeen**: why is that so true????

**foxyloxy**: everyone in the family is emotionally repressed except me

**overlord**: ......

**replacement**: .......

**deadbatwalking**: ......

**foxyloxy**: don’t come at me with those ...............

**dickie**: actually tbh if you’ve even seen him with Tiff then you probs wouldn’t think he’s emotionally repressed

**foxyloxy**: forget about that 

**dickie**: no 

**memequeen**: aww I wanna see Luke with Tiffany 

**foxyloxy**: no

**memequeen**: ....emotionally repressed loser

**foxyloxy**: I-

**deadbatwalking**: I have to ask what the hell is Kate and Sel’s beef??

**candykane**: we used to hate each other 

**candykane**: I mean we’re cool now but any chance to be bitches to each other 

**candykane**: we take it

**queenkitty**: We have a ‘I can insult you but if anyone else does I’ll punch them in the face’ relationship 

**overlord**: that’s beautiful 

**queenkitty**: Isn’t it just

**deadbatwalking**: huh I think replacement and I have that kind of relationship 

**replacement**: WHEN DO I EVER INSULT YOU???

**demonspawn**: You insult people by existing.

**deadbatwalking**: don’t talk to him like that 

**deadbatwalking**: but like yeah basically 

**replacement**: I hate both of you 

**dickie**: no you don’t 

**replacement**: yes I do

**dickie**: no you don’t 

**replacement**: yes I do

**daddybats**: Alright enough of that! Jason, Stephanie and Tim you’re on patrol tonight.

**memequeen**: ughhhh

**deadbatwalking**: you guys wanna grab burgers 

**memequeen**: fuck yeahh

**replacement**: oh suddenly I don’t hate you anymore

**daddybats**: You’re meant to be patrolling, not getting burgers.

**memequeen**: we can do both

**memequeen**: it’s called multitasking B

**daddybats**: Give me strength.

**deadbatwalking**: we do

**dickie**: yeah you told us we were your strength 

**hbic**: :)

**daddybats**: I take it back.

**hbic**: :(

**daddybats**: Except you Cassandra, you do give me strength.

**hbic**: :)

**deadbatwalking**: favouritism

**daddybats**: Go.

**memequeen**: sir, yes sir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don’t know where this chapter came from, I just had a thought about Kate pretending to be Selina and Bruce being a little shit and it evolved from there.
> 
> Btw no feelings were hurt in the making of this, they all saw the humour in it. Promise.
> 
> In case you didn’t quite catch it: Kate - Selina, Selina - Kate, Stephanie - Dick, Cassandra - Luke, Barbara - Jason, Dick - Duke, Jason - Stephanie, Tim - Damian, Damian - Tim, Duke - Barbara & Luke - Cassandra


	13. In which there is another announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And things are alluded to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I disappeared again, my bad. I have been so busy trying to get everything ready for uni and the months are going by way too fast but whatever I have a chapter for you all. Yay!

_ [Thursday, 1:28pm] _

**deadbatwalking**: Dick and I are getting married

**overlord**: WHAT

**hbic**: yay happy for you

**replacement**: I’m not even surprised

**foxyloxy**: as soon as batcat announced they were getting married I knew JayDick would follow 

**deadbatwalking**: it’s my job to one up B 

**duchess**: HOLY COW

**duchess**: can I help plan??

**deadbatwalking**: sure duchess

**memequeen**: ARE YOU SHITTING ME????

**memequeen**: ONFG

**memequeen**: OMFG

**memequeen**: ALL MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE

**memequeen**: THIS IS THE MOMENT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR

**overlord**: who proposed???

**deadbatwalking**: I did

**replacement**: bet jay just went ‘let’s get married or whatever idk’

**hbic**: most likely

**deadbatwalking**: yeah that’s kinda how it went

**memequeen**: and they say romance is dead

**deadbatwalking**: he said yes soo...

**demonspawn**: No.

**demonspawn**: Absolutely not. I refuse to allow this to happen. I will kill you Todd and this time you won’t come back.

**daddybats**: Damian no. I’m worried that you’re moving a little too fast but I’m happy for you both.

**candykane**: aw shit there’s water leaking from my eyes 

**candykane**: you fuckers are making me soft 

**queenkitty**: My word, when’s the big day?

**replacement**: we need like a few months to plan at least

**deadbatwalking**: next week

**deadbatwalking**: it’s gonna be small with just you guys 

**deadbatwalking**: except you demon

**demonspawn**: I will eviscerate you.

**deadbatwalking**: get some new lines baby bat

**demonspawn**: You and Drake are the bane of my life.

**replacement**: what???

**replacement**: I wasn’t even doing anything

**demonspawn**: You’re breathing.

**replacement**: well damn

**memequeen**: ANYWAY SHUT UP

**memequeen**: next week???

**deadbatwalking**: yep

**overlord**: like I’m super happy this is happening but isn’t that kinda soon...you didn’t even tell us you were dating

**deadbatwalking**: we were going to go slow but one thing led to another and that’s really just not our style

**foxyloxy**: speaking of where is your husband to be?

**deadbatwalking**: he’s out with Donna and Wally 

**deadbatwalking**: he’ll be back in a couple of hours but he never checks his phone when he’s with them cause Donna has a habit of throwing it out windows 

**candykane**: yeahhh sounds like an Amazon thing to do

**daddybats**: Hm.

**Alfie<3**: Congratulations to you both. I wish you all the happiness in th world.

**deadbatwalking**: thanks Alfie that means a lot

**queenkitty**: Oh we need to go shopping very soon then

**candykane**: aw no

**hbic**: we need some nice outfits but also deco

**overlord**: I can source some good decorations

**foxyloxy**: leave finding outfits to me

**foxyloxy**: I have two sisters

**duchess**: wow I’m so excited I think my powers are going to go on the fritz

**daddybats**: Careful Duke.

**duchess**: uh yeah sorry I got it handled 

**queenkitty**: Two weddings...I wonder who will be next 

**overlord**: not me, my gf and I really are taking it slow

**memequeen**: I think Cass and I are fine with moving in together for the moment

**hbic**: yep

**duchess**: well I’m single sooo

**foxyloxy**: yeah same here 

**replacement**: I’m never getting married

**deadbatwalking**: and you guys said I had commitment issues jeez

**replacement**: shut it Jay

**deadbatwalking**: well sorry losers I gotta go and tell Roy and Kōri 

**memequeen**: bye jerk

_ [Thursday, 4:01pm] _

**dickie**: why are you all messaging me congratulating me on getting engaged????

**dickie**: wait...

**dickie**: JASON!!!!!?!?!?!??!?!!???!!!

**dickie**: OMG WE’RE NOT GETTING MARRIED 

**dickie**: we only started dating a couple of days ago

**dickie**: and we _are_ taking things slow

**dickie**: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JAY

**dickie**: I go out for 5 minutes and you do this

**dickie**: sorry guys...

————————————

**bluebird** to **little wing**

**bluebird**: you are so dead

**little wing**: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHSH

**little wing**: come on that shit was funny

**little wing**: I totally had them

**bluebird**: I’m honestly surprised you were even able to go along with that

**bluebird**: thought even typing the word ‘marriage’ would give you hives

**little wing**: well I mean I wasn’t being serious and it was funny 

**bluebird**: right yeah sure well I’ll see you tomorrow 

**bluebird**: have fun with Roy and Kōri

**little wing**: oi bluebird 

**little wing**: Dick??

—————————————

**little wing** to **bluebird **

**little wing**: maybe one day bluebird 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAH...did you really think I’d rush things that much?? Yeah you probably did, but I didn’t! However I alluded that maybe one day heheh.
> 
> I also alluded to Duke’s abilities which will be making an appearance in an upcoming chapter (if I write it anyway :/).
> 
> I also wanted to clarify the bat kids alter egos (although I’m sure they’re pretty obvious): Dick - Nightwing, Jason - Red Hood, Tim - Red Robin, Damian - Robin, Duke - Signal, Luke - Batwing, Babs - Oracle (she’s still in a wheelchair in this), Steph - Spoiler and Cass - Batgirl.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic so please be gentle ;)


End file.
